Dear Bethany, I am so sorry that this is first letter you are receiving from me in such a long time. I have neglected our love and our communication, especially via a medium I know means so much to you. I still remember your initial reaction when I had sent over the first package all those months ago - I still have the video on my phone and still watch it back occasionally. I know that when I ask you for the first that made you realize that you truly wanted to be with me 'forever', it was the package, but I know what really mattered to you was what it represented; it was imperfect, the gifts silly and old fashioned and the letter poorly written in my awful handwriting, but it never mattered to you. Honestly I worried that the entire time whatever I had sent over would not be good enough, but you made me feel as though I had sent over a diamond ring - you are the only person I know who can see the love in the smallest things. I felt on the day it had arrived as the, 'best boyfriend ever', and truly it was the first time I had thought about myself positively in years - you help me see the best in everyone and everything, even myself and even in spite of my constant melancholy. You are the brightest, guiding star in the constellation of my life, and the only one I feel like I can rely on to give me warmth morning and night. I want to be your star too, your mans, even your sharty for goodness sake (even despite how much I hate that nickname), but honestly my actions and words have not demonstrated that, but I will fight tooth and nail even with just a foot in the door to prove that to you. You ask for so little my love, and yet I still struggle to provide it, but I can be better and I want to be better for you. I am so sorry that I cannot choose my words kindly sometimes, or save them for when they are appropriate or just keep my mouth shut when I should. I know it isnt easy to do what you have been doing recently, old habits die hard and oftentimes old habits arent formed by faults of your own as a kid. I know the effort, not just physical, but emotional in making different choices such as the gym and food etc - and really, I should be your rock not your beating paddle. I am so sorry I havent given you the support YOU need, I know i must listen to what you say instead of what I think is right. I promise to do so in the future. I love you. Since the day we met you captured entire soul, the abundance of love and care seemed to be to never-ending - a phone call or a text was a warm embrace. Quite simply my love, I also know it wouldnt take you very long to find someone else who also sees the beautiful soul that makes you, you and arguably I have had my chance and have thrown it away with my own two hands but there is truly noone else in this world who I can imagine waking up next to, coming home to, doing the laundry with and all the most basic parts of life, yet oddly the most loving. I dont want to turn to face the aisle one day and see anyone's face but yours, I dont want to rush to the hospital for any other child but yours and i dont want to fade into old age without your hand in mine. Every step of the way i see us, and I am perennially sorry to have undermined our bond and our future, because the fact of the matter is, that while i am the one on my knees, im also the one who put myself there with my own words. I truly want us to be together and never have imagined a future apart since the day we met. I know i can be needy and demanding and what i said was no doubt both of those things but i also know that we have a special and unbreakable love. Yours, in apology, Jol.